"I hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart..."

Oh Regina.

No, not of the George variety (though I believe that's Johnny's favorite Regina), but of the Spektor kind.

Today I told someone, "She's saved my life a million times.  I love her."  When I said it, I was merely conveying how important she was to me (in an admittedly dramatic fashion).  It is true, though.  She's played a pivotal role in helping me cope with a lot of things.  I've always known this.  I guess I just never knew to what magnitude.

Prior to going to the concert I looked up a setlist of one of her recent shows.  It had a pretty good mix of songs from the last 2 CDs with a sprinkling of other goodies.  I didn't look into it a whole lot, I just kind of skimmed it.

I decided to listen to the newest CD a little more since I hadn't listened to it a whole lot recently.  I remembered how much I loved the song "How" and it got me a tad bit emotional, and I was preparing myself for the tearful breakdown I was sure to have during the concert.  I made sure to do a good listen-through of the "Far" album as well, because a lot of the other songs were going to come from that and I figured I should brush up on some of those (although it's Regina and listening to her is like riding a bike--yeah, I just made that comparison.  Whatever.)

Regina comes out, grabs the mic, politely waits for the applause to die down (which, mind you, meant she waited for quite some time) and she sang "Ain't No Cover" and it was ASTOUNDING.  A cappella.  Her voice was crystal clear and it was glorious.  Ugh, it makes me sick how good she sounds.

Then she sat down and did "The Calculation" which is one of the happier songs on "Far" and that was, I think, a great way to sit down and start her show.

Then she started banging out the first few chords of "On The Radio" and I felt the immediate need to cry.  And not just cry like, "Oh, this is lovely I think I'll tear up a bit," but cry like, "Oh my god, I'm crying so hard that snot is going to start dripping towards my upper lip and I'll HAVE to wipe it away and then it'll be SUPER obvious that I'm crying and suddenly this just got awkward."

I wanted to fight that feeling and ignore it, because I didn't quite understand it.  Before officially allowing myself to start bawling, I turned to Lisa and I said, "Umm, why is this song making me want to cry?"  And she immediately replied something along the lines of, "Oh my god, I feel THE SAME WAY.  I just suddenly needed to cry."  So there we sat, my sister and I, crying over one of the happier upbeat songs from "Begin to Hope."

She played some other great songs, but even when she got to "How" I didn't really feel like crying all that much.  It was beautiful--but I think it was how the song started that got the mood to run away from me a bit.  Right before the song, an audience member shouted, "MARRYMYBROTHER!"  Regina started the song, but right before singing the word "how" she stopped and giggled and asked, "Did you just tell me to marry your brother?"  And she continued to giggle until she said, "Okay I can't laugh.  This is for serious."

After a few more songs she played "Better" which made me tear up a bit again.  Whyyyyyy?

She ended her set with "The Party" which is such an adorable song.  She also made sure to add a little spiel about going out and exercising your right to vote--also that she loved Obama and that she hopes everyone votes for him, but isn't saying you have to.  As if I didn't already love this woman.

Her Encore, however, had me crying almost the entire time.

1. Us
2. Fidelity (sob sob sob)
3. Hotel Song (calming down but still with tears collecting at the bottom of my chin and dripping onto my shirt)
and of course (and uggggggggh, whyyyyy)
4. Samson

She sang 5 songs from "Begin to Hope" and all 5 made me cry.  It was not lost on me that these were all on the same CD.  It also wasn't lost on me where exactly I was in my life when I was spending all of my time listening to said CD.  It came out Summer of 2006.  This was one of my favorite summers ever, but also one of my hardest years ever.  I kept making side comments to Lisa saying, "This CD.  All of the songs I'm crying to are from the same CD!"  She felt the same way.  When the concert was over and the lights came back on, we both stood up, and Lisa said, "You know why, right?"  And even though I had only kind of thought about it, and hadn't really considered it as my reason, I knew INSTANTLY.  Anne.

My brother David had mentioned Regina Spektor and how much he liked her.  At the time, I was just glad my brother liked anything, and I was thankful to anything that could lift his spirits up at all.  After Anne died, I think I listened to Coldplay's "Fix You" on repeat just waiting to think of something that would help David.  I was in need of something new.  I had seen Regina before, when she opened for Keane, but me being someone who generally enjoys music she already knows, was unsure how I felt about this odd singer with an odd way of... singing.  Odd?  Maybe unique is a better word?

Anyway, "Begin to Hope" is probably the most appropriate name for that album.  It's insanely appropriate.  Regina, after all, gave me back hope.  I sound sooooo cheesy--I realize this.  You have to realize that I was sure my brother's heart was broken, and that in turn broke my little 20 year old heart.  But Regina really did make sense of things for me.  She really did help me.  "Fidelity" for example:

"Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft"

And later,

"All my friends say that of course it's going to get better..."

And when that still didn't quite heal my broken little "Why, God why????" heart, "On The Radio" made it all better (it kissed me where it was sore--if you will--and made me feel better):

"This is how it works:
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

No, this is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again."

You hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does you'll just do it all again.

All I can say is that I'm deliriously tired, but I am so in love with the night I had tonight.  Yes, I cried WAY more than a regular human should have, but I am so happy.  It's been 6 years, and these songs still speak VOLUMES to me.

Regina Spektor saved my life a million times.
I love her.

I Choose My Choice

I am trying to make a conscious effort to write more.  I'm also trying not to be wah-wah about it.  I haven't written much for a myriad of reasons... none of which I'll go through right now. (Or ever?)

That being said, I'm not really sure what to write.

This summer has continued to be a challenging summer.  I'm still working at finding whatever it is I'm searching for.  Makes it hard when you don't know what it is you're looking for, right? (That of course reminds me of Mona Lisa Vito saying, "How can you be so sure when you don't know what it is you're supposed to know?")

So I'll just put a little snippet of one of the lessons I've recently learned.  It was something Schutte said to me one day.  It stuck (well, it stuck for a bit, then I forgot all about it, and then had to remember it again).

Everything I'm doing is a direct result of a decision I've made for myself.  I can complain, but I still have to remember that ultimately I was the one responsible for making that choice.  Everything I'm doing (or have done) should be considered an investment that I'm putting into my future self.

Case in point: Working at the special needs center.  It's opened my eyes to a world of opportunities that I hadn't really serious thought about.  Who knows where it can take me?

I'm learning.  I'm growing.  I'm getting there.

I hope.

"Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere." -- Sara Bareilles, "Uncharted"

Sara has sung that line to me countless times.  COUNTLESS.  (Well, to be fair, according to my iTunes, I've had 94 plays... which means there's probably more times I've listened and skipped before it counted it song as played.)  Somehow that lesson still hasn't stuck with me.  I'm still constantly comparing and it never fails to make me feel like crap.  I gotta stop that.

Kanye West - Hey Mama

Every now and then there comes and artist who just seems unreal.  All of their songs are absolute gigantor hits and ubiquitous.  Kanye West was one of those people.  Jesus Walks, Gold Digger, Touch The Sky, etc.  The list goes on and on.

One of my favorite songs of his was "Hey Mama" from his second album, Late Registration.  As expected, it was tribute to his mom and the appreciation and love he has for everything she's done for him.  My love for this song didn't really begin until I saw him perform this song for his (then late) mom.  He added the lyrics:

Last night I saw you in my dreams

Now, I can't wait to go to sleep

Kanye West performs "Hey Mama" at the 2008 Grammys

The vulnerability of his voice (or is it the fact that he's singing/rapping sans autotune?) is what makes this performance even more special.

Weekend of Projects!

12/11 - This weekend we had my sister Chi Thu and Javier come into town.  Javier helped Mike (and Thomas did too!) redo their shed in their back yard.  I, on the other hand, had my own project to work on:

I had been wanting to do one of these crayon melty art things ever since I first saw one of my Anthro girlfriends do it over the summer.  I figured, it'd be simple enough!  The one she did was just colors on a blank white canvas.  I decided I wanted to add a little flavor to mine.

I picked some of my favorite lyrics... that somehow symbolically would work well with the crayons.  I chose lyrics from the song, "Rain" by Patty Griffin:  "Strange how it rains now"  I put some foam cut-out letters onto the canvas and then painted black over it.  Once dried, I peeled off the letters to get the white letters you see below!

Then I put the colors in the color order desired.  I chose not to start with the traditional red to indigo scale... I wanted to go from warm colors, to cool, and back to warm.  :)  I think my colors worked well!  Hot glue gunning each crayon onto the canvas was a bit tedious, but you got the hang of it after awhile.  Then after making sure the crayons were nice and glued... I took my blow dryer and blow dried the crap outta these crayons.  I did it in waves... mostly because I got tired... but I think it gave it a really nice pattern.  You can tell where I stopped and started again because there's a significant break in color blobs!  I feel like it well represents the "when it rains it pours" idea... once you think it's over... here's another wave of crap.

Other favorite lyric from this song: 

"I'm not looking for the rest of your life

I just want another chance to live..."

Soon you'll probably see one that Amber and I made together!

Tony & Sarah's Rehearsal (And Other Day Before the Wedding Festivities)

July 23rd - Early that morning I left the rental house that all of us Bridesmaids had stayed in the night of the Bachelorette party and headed home. I got ready for our rehearsal that morning and headed with Thomas, Johnny & Luis to the church. Luis freaked out (probably squealed) when I informed him that Tony & Sarah were getting married in the same chapel that Jessica Simpson got married in.

I got to practice my song with Jack, which was nice because I had yet to sing it out loud! What was more nerve-wracking for the guys was the fact that they were going to be singing their song all together for the first time. It was Johnny, Buddy, Mr. Matt, Jack, Luis, & Scott Saunders. They sang a mash-up of "I'm Yours" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." So good. SO SO SO SO SOOOOO GOOD. What was also good was the fact that I kept popping in while they were practicing to yell, "CAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORRRRK!" (Which was Luis's suggestion for songs Sarah should walk down the aisle to.)

The Bridesmaids at the Wedding Rehearsal at The Smith Family Chapel

Just hangin' out

The Bridesmaids (in particular the former LHS girls, Stefanie, Sarah & me) watching the LHS boys sing. It may or may not have brought us to tears...

Afterwards we headed over to The County Line for some DELICIOUS BBQ! :)

I believe I went home and took a nap and later on that night we headed up to a little church where we had a prayer and worship thing for Tony and Sarah. We sang some songs (well, they sang songs... I'm only well-versed in songs found in the Gather hymnal... i.e., "On Eagles Wings" or "I Am The Bread of Life") but the best part came later. We were asked in advance to have a scripture or some words of advice for the soon-to-be married couple.

I'm pretty sure ALL of them did have a scripture. The week leading up to this, I had tried looking stuff up. Every time I found something that I thought might work, it seemed... disingenuous. Back in high school, when I was a YAC member (YAC = Youth Ambassadors for Christ = Diocesan youth council for Galveston-Houston... yeah, I was kind of a big deal), I still was never much for quoting the Bible. This might have something to do with the fact that my first 15 or so years of Bible-ing was in Vietnamese.

Anyway, I finally get up there and I have to hold back tears... and I remind Sarah of the time when I dramatically told her how much she meant to me right before my last show with her. I told her how for me, on this earth, I try to "find God" in everyday things... in her case... she is God personified. Is that sacrilegious? Possibly, but I don't know.

Anyway, I reminded everyone how much music means to me and how I chose some lyrics instead of a scripture... but since that's how I think God speaks to me... it's kind of the same thing :) I chose part of the second verse of the Regina Spektor song "On The Radio." Check it:

This is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

My Will Gets Weak and My Thoughts Seem to Scatter

Today, I've had a couple song lyrics come to mind:

"The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again." -- Don Henley (or India Arie), "Heart of the Matter"

and

"[T]he decades disappear like sinking ships, but we persevere. God gives us hope, but we still fear what we don't know." -- The Killers, "A Dustland Fairytale"

I hate to be cryptic, but at the moment I don't know what all can/should be said. Suffice it to say that I've come across an event in my life that has suddenly and unexpectedly shaken me to my core. To be honest, I feel silly. I feel naive. I feel like I'm too old (or at least far enough past my formative years) to let something like this so heavily influence and change things I so strongly believe(d) in. Steven claims this just shows I'm human. More later

We've Got So Far To Go

The following are some lyrics to the song "Come So Far (Got So Far To Go)" from the musical Hairspray. I've never been a huge fan of Hairspray, I don't really know why or why not, but I just never was. I've had to watch it quite a few times during classes on movie days/Fun Fridays with the choirs. During the credits, this song comes on. I really like the tune of it (click here for the youtube video), and after the 3rd or 4th time listening to it, I really like the lyrics. I got giddy the other night when Thomas and I were listening to it and I realized it'd be an UBER cute wedding song. Just another to add to the list...

Hey old friend, together
Side by side and year by year
The road was filled with twists and turns
Oh but that's the road that got us here

Let's move past the bad times
But before those memories fade
Let's forgive but not forget
And learn from the mistakes we made

Cause it's so clear
Every year
We get stronger
So don't give up
Don't say when
And just get back on the road again

Cause...

I know we've Come So Far
But we've Got So Far To Go
I know the road seems long
But it won't be long 'till it's time to go

So, most days we'll take it fast
And some nights lets take it slow
I know we've Come So Far
But baby
We've Got So Far To Go

Obvious Reason Why Thomas is Wonderful - #13

11 entries ago on the ORWTW list, I wrote this on my blog.

Now, a year later, I guess I'm obliged to write another blog about it... :)

Happy 4 year anniversary Thomas! Thank you for continually liking me despite the fact I still don't have my life completely together. :) I'm excited you're almost done with school and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us (ugh, I feel so... YOU saying that... haha)

"When the hardest part is over we'll be here, and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear." -- Brandon Flowers, "Crossfire"

I can't explain why that quote makes me think of Thomas. Reading what other people think this song is about, I don't think I necessarily agree. I think I know what it means to me and I know I love that particular part of that song and I know Thomas likes it too, and somehow it makes me think of him and it makes me think of him so... there.

Oh Eisley, You Truly Get Me

My blog should probably be dedicated or at least partially funded by Eisley--seeing as how I can't seem to stop talking (praising, gushing, whatever) about them. They just... get me. For almost every occasion in life, they probably have a song waiting for me.

"You'll never contemplate that I am near
And help goes unseen
You're the cave admitting who you choose
And I could be there for you"
--Eisley, "I Could Be There For You"

I cannot WAIT until they come to Texas. I still only have Houston tickets. Haven't decided about Austin & Dallas yet.

P.S. Sufjan delivered hardcore last night. How hardcore did he deliver? Let's just say, if Sufjan was an OBGYN, I was Octomom. Or like... Decamom. Hell, Dodecamom. I'll stop now, because... this could go on forever.

Eyes on Eisley

I just want to be their friend.
I've blogged about them before. I'm constantly going back to this band and re-discovering old songs, or discovering old songs that I simply ignored upon first listen. Most of their songs do need to grow on me. Anyway, their most recent song to take over my life is "Combinations" which is the title track of one of their newer cds. It's the friggen title track, how could I have ignored it?

Anyway, I guess I was so in love with the other songs on said cd ("I Could Be There for You" and "Taking Control") that I just yeah... ignored it. I was also obsessed with "Ambulance" from their recent EP. ANNNNNNYWAY. I finally heard "Combinations" and the harmonies and the words just suck you right in. Sherri's voice is amazing. Stacy's voice is amazing. I only wish I could heart Chauntelle's a lot more... oh well, you can't have it all. Anyway, after perusing the internets for a music video of Combinations (doesn't exist) I did find a cool random remix of the song. So, here's two versions: a live one and the funky re-re-remix!

"I went for so long

And I was so wrong

And then I met you

And now I can't live without you

And I don't want to

I've done that all my life up 'til now

All the time, darling now, oh

All the time, now we'll have to make it up

We'll make it up, oh

All the days, darling now, oh

All the days, now we'll have to make them up

We'll make them up somehow

We'll make them up"

Thomas, you can add this to the list. Eisley - "Combinations"

I Keep Tearing Out the Sutures

It has been a great week with Carl in town and Monday off work to look forward to (and no work at Anthro all week--and surprise appreciation!) But... it's been a rough week.

Last Saturday Thomas and I went with David to have dinner with the Guthries. This is always a great occasion because the Guthries are awesome and I just don't get to see them enough. The Guthrie sons weren't there, but the girls + Lucy were--and let's face it, that's AWESOME! However, with the great joy that comes with spending time with the Guthries, I've come to expect the inevitable twinge of... I don't know... I guess sadness...? It's nobody's fault--it's just, I mean... obviously, if you're with the Guthries, you automatically think of Anne because... well... she's the reason there's so much love between our two families. Anyway, I had Thomas with me, which is pretty much the best person for any occasion--happy or sad, because he always knows just the right thing to say (and if he doesn't, he just has a really great hug). At one point in the night I was showing Mary Anne & Grace the photos from Canyon Lake. When Grace saw the photo of Penny (Anne & David's beautiful Pekingese) , she started tearing up and it just broke my heart. She kept apologizing for being "so emotional." I of course told her how silly she was being. After all, no one needs to apologize to a Nguyen about being emotional. We're a family of criers!

Wednesday came along and I got a phone call from my sister Thu informing us that Penny had died that day. She finally left us to go groak (her favorite thing to do) for some food from Anne. I was literally sick to my stomach when I got that phone call. I already wasn't feeling all that great (in fact, I was just waking from a nap when Thomas came into the room with my phone) and this certainly didn't make things better. I even went into work a couple hours late the next day because I couldn't get to bed that night. My heart was just so heavy, it felt like it was sitting at the bottom of my stomach, ready to just fall out. Penny was such a great pup. Up until this last year when she was having all her health issues, she acted just like a brand new little hyper out of control pup! She was a spastic! But my mom (who I of course had to call and sob to that night) reminded me how sick Penny had been and how much better off she is now. But I think for me, (and for a lot of other people) it was more than just Penny herself. It was Penny... and what Penny stood for--what she meant to everyone in the family. That of course was Anne, and her loving, sweet, wonderful, and beautiful ways. It felt like it was hurting all over again.

There's a line from one of my favorite Postal Service songs ("Nothing Better") that says "Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures." Penny leaving us felt like a strong tug at the sutures that were already barely keeping my heart together after Anne left us. I know it seems a bit over dramatic what I'm saying, but I guess that's just the way I've been feeling and needed an outlet to get it out of me.

Goodnight my dear sweet friends.

David, Thomas, and me with most of the Guthries


Anne & Penny

They're Speaking To You, To You...

Hey guys!

It's been awhile since I last blogged... and a lot has happened since then :)

You are looking at (the blog of) one of Anthropologie's newest employees! :) I spent the bulk of yesterday (8-4) at Anthro orientation. It was a pretty big group of us (12ish). Most of them seem to be moving to the Domain location. It would make sense for me to move there to since I live about a stone's throw (is that the white people phrase?) away from it. So is it weird I want to stay at the downtown location? If I was part of the Domain one, I'd be able to help literally build the store, etc.... which sounds cool, but at the same time sounds like NOT something I want to do. Also, is it dorky of me that I think it'd be fun to work with Lisa every now and then? Hey, at least this way, I can shop at the Domain one and not be tempted to work! :)

Recently I've had a resurgence of listening to two different bands. 1. Fall Out Boy. 2. 10,000 Maniacs. It's so funny to see the people who were famous 15 years ago vs. now. Natalie Merchant vs... Lady Gaga. Haha. Not that Natalie Merchant was ever hyped up and as popular as Gags, but... just sayin'. I only make this comparison because I was watching a youtube video recently of Natalie performing one of my favorite songs "These Are Days" on stage in what I can only describe as a frock. Haha a long sleeve yellow button up with a long floor length skirt. On stage! Who does that?! Anyway... she does a big twirl on stage, it's adorable.

Anyway, other than that there hasn't been a whole lot else developing. Not that I mind. Bones has kind of sort of completely taken over my life. But... I think you all know that. Lisa and Mike bought a new house in the Crestwood area and it's adorable! They're remodeling right now so no pics as of yet. :) We should be having a Memorial Day party for baby Luke's first bday.

Oh, and I also have awesome footage of Thomas and Johnny Creeding in the car.

Summer is upon us, guys. I know it's technically not supposed to start until June... but it's Texas and... yesterday I felt like I was going to melt in my car! So for all intents and purposes, it's fricken Summer! Oh well... here's an excerpt from the above mentioned song to ring in Summer! :)

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break

These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face,

And when you do, you'll know how it was meant to be,

See the signs and know their meaning, it's true,

Then you'll know how it was meant to be,

Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you,

To you...

Let The Color Scheme Arrive!

Today, I am inspired by two things:

1. Mates of State's "Get Better" - Mostly the lyrics, "Forget all your politics for awhile, let the color scheme arrive!" and "Everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better!" Which inspired me to think about my second inspiration of the day,

2. Colorful Balloons. Ever since the Valentine's Day dinner scene that Carrie & Miranda had in the SATC movie, where the ceiling is completely filled by balloons, I've had this obsession with bunches and bunches of balloons. Up certainly didn't help my fixation with these colorful air receptacles.

The following mini inspiration board (fashioned quickly during my lunch hour) was made with photos from: here, here, here & here (clockwise from the top left). I love color.

Random Things On My Mind Tonight

I hate it when I haven't synced my iphone to my computer in awhile and I finally do and my songs don't scrobble onto itunes.  It's happened the last couple times.  This = HUNDREDS of unscrobbled tracks.  This makes me feel as if I've been wasting my music listening time.  This is absurd, I know, but I can't help but feel this way.

I really am glad Oro's okay.  It's kind of funny that it's Oro, because he is probably the only person it could happen to and I wouldn't freak out about it.  But he's Oro.  He's the luckiest person alive.  Now if only he would just call in so they could account for him...

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE WAS SO GOOD!  That's all I can really say about it.

I don't want Amanda to go off to college/army.

I'm currently downloading the Lady Antebellum cds.  I don't care TOO much for them... I only know like... 2 or 3 songs, but I do kind of like them... and it'll be fun to go out with the office girls for a show!  :)  Oh yeah, we're going to the Austin Rodeo... apparently they're playing!  This will be a couple weeks after I see Tay Tay, so they've got a lot to compete with.

I REALLY NEED THESE ALLERGIES TO STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!

Kate Whore-man's husband sent me an e-mail today likening his wife with the Olympic gold medalist, Shaun White.  It was quite possibly one of the best things I saw today.

Strike that, it almost was, but then I saw HOT TUB TIME MACHINE!!!!!!!!

La Roux's "Cover My Eyes" is currently one of my favorite songs... I've also been listening a lot to the Smiths again... "Panic" is still one of my faves.  Umm... this is embarrassing but whatevs.  I had one of those "Monkey Hatchet/Does He Have It" moments recently.  If you've seen Ellen's "Here and Now" stand up, you know what I'm talking about (I'm pointing at you, LC).  There was a line... which I guess I never figured didn't really make sense... I thought it said, "And if a Devil dare cavorts... crashes into us... to die by your side is such a Heavenly way to die."  But alas, the true line is, "And if a double decker bus crashes into us..."  At least I got the end right?

I've been feeling restless with my life lately... and the line from that song, "Take me out tonight... oh take me anywhere... I don't care I don't care I don't care..." is the best line for my current attitude.

I bought a Bible.  It's pretty and blue and a very soft leather.  I told Sarah I'd read some stuff with her.  I've never really read the Bible.  Once, I tried to read it front to back, but I'm pretty sure I stopped during the "introduction" where they explained to me "how to" read the Bible, and what things mean and what type of translation it was.  It was a bit overwhelming and it hadn't even started yet...

ANYWAY...

Time for bed early I think.  I'm excited for this weekend of nothing... because I need time to rehabilitate.  Maybe Johnny and I will find out a way to play LCR with just the two of us...

Oh yeah, I didn't do my week count:

02/08/09 - 02/14/09 Totals:
Days of the week spent exercising: 3/7
Minutes spent exercising: 213
Calories burned: 1,520
Weight: +17.2

The Bee Gees Said It Best

A friend just divulged some news to me about her relationship and it broke my heart.

I want to fix it. I want to make it better.

I want to make her not hurt.

Please help me mend this broken heart and let me live again.

+21.6 (v.g. considering it's after lunch!)

The Guthrie Girls

I didn't go to Monday Night Dinner this week. Instead, I had dinner at Hula Hut with Lisa, Mike, baby Luke, and... two of my favorite people in the world! Mary Ann and Grace Guthrie! Mary Ann is always a pleasure to be with and see (the last time I saw her was when she came to my graduation!) Seeing Grace was a real treat! I haven't seen her since... probably the last time I went to Corpus Christi (January 2007).

I always forget how wonderful she is. She just graduated high school and she's such a beautiful and great person. The best thing is--she's such a hoot to be around. She is HILARIOUS! Mary Ann has always been fun and entertaining--the stories she tells us are always fun to listen to. Grace is just as entertaining. The best part is when she makes comments about how unnecessary her mom's comments are. She's going to A&M (le sigh) but that just means she'll be closer to Austin! I hope she does take me seriously on my offer to house her anytime she wants to come visit. She really is more like a sister than anything to me. I asked her what she was planning to study and she said she's going to do psychology. She'd like to do something similar to the women that saw Anne at M.D. Anderson. She said they'd come into the children's wing, talk to the kids (or in this case, 23 year old Anne) and make sure that they were coping well. Originally she had wanted to do oncology nursing... but figured it would "break" her. Grace has always been so strong and confident--so sweet and caring--so much like her sister. I think that's what really got to me. It reminded me of how great a person Anne was.

After dinner, I didn't stay at Lisa & Mike's like a normally would. I guess I just needed some alone time. Drove home and listened to some Killers on the way. "Why Do I Keep Counting," one of my original favorites from the Sam's Town cd, started the tears rolling--right around the "... if I only knew the answer, if I changed my way of living, and if I paved my streets with good times, will the mountain keep on giving?" There's something about the way Brandon sings that part that just makes my heart ache every time I hear it.

It was a different kind of cry this time. It wasn't my usual Anne-day kind of cry. I wasn't mad she was gone, and I wasn't really sad she was gone. I just really missed her. I missed how funny she was--without every REALLY meaning to be. She was always SO SO nice too. Almost too nice, considering how crazy my family can be. She'd try so hard not to step on anyone's toes or offend anyone--even when it was necessary to.

One time, Anne and David came over for dinner over at Lisa & Mike's. Earlier that week, we had bought these self-re-enflatable whoopie cushions at the one spot at Target. You just had to press it, and it would make the typical whoopie-cushion sound, and then it'll re enflate itself (similar to squeezing a sponge) and you can just keep doing it over and over and over again. Well, Lisa made a comment about how her stomach wasn't feeling so well and she went into the half bathroom that was downstairs right by the dinner table. She went to town on that whoopie cushion. Of course, Mike and I were in on it--but David and Anne weren't. David was in disbelief, but didn't really react with much more than a surprised face. Anne on the other hand had to run upstairs to keep herself from laughing too loudly. I had already run upstairs to keep myself from blowing the joke, and Anne found me--but just assumed I was laughing for the same reason she was. It's probably one of my favorite Anne memories.

Grace said they put a new headstone at her grave. They planted palm trees too. I'd really love to see it, seeing as how it's been a 2 and a half years since I have. It was really hard when I went before--but it was only a year after she had passed, so maybe that was why.

Sometimes I listen to songs that make me think of her. I close my eyes and imagine I'm just floating--in the water or in the air, I'm not really sure--but I'm just floating, very light, very comfortable, and Anne is floating around with me... with a glass of wine--she always has a glass of wine.

"You won't be coming back and I didn't get to say goodbye

I really wish I got to say goodbye...

And I'm sure the view from Heaven beats the hell out of mine here

And if we all believe in Heaven, maybe we'll make it through one more year"

--- Yellowcard, "View From Heaven"

Random Things

I can't force myself to do a list of 25. It's impossible. There are simply not 25 things I can come up with, so I'm just gonna go with it and see how it goes. I'm only doing this for Johnny--let it be known. It should be fine, since I'm 99.75% sure that he's the only person who'll read this.

- I often pretend I'm in a music video. I did this most often when I used to ride the Far West bus everyday. I'd stick my ipod headphones in, stare out the window and listen to some sappy song. The song usually is some sort of coming-of-age song in which the singer is doing some kind of growing up/moving away/letting go, etc. Sometimes this can be embarrassing when I get a little carried away and it becomes obvious that my head has me somewhere far away from the bus seat I'm sitting in. That rarely stops me.

- Being the youngest of 9 kids, I've always been terrified of being considered spoiled. That was always the first thing that people would ask me when they found out I was the baby of 9 kids, "Ooooh, so they must've spoiled you rotten!" or "Ooooh, so you were a pretty spoiled kid growing up, weren't you?" Because of this, I always tried my hardest to be as unspoiled as possible. I think that's why I'm terribly indecisive. I never wanted to really put in my say--for fear that I would "get my way" and be thought of as spoiled. However, I think this makes people feel like I'm just being a child who doesn't want to make her own decisions and would rather other people make them for her. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

- I used to have internet boyfriends. I still talk to one of them every now and then, Scott Neverdusky from Clarksville, TN. I think he's 25 or 26 now. He's married to some Asian girl I think. I always knew he had a thing for Asians. I met him on a website for people who watched this show--MVH--which was a Korean music video show. I wish I could say I was too young to know better... but I was 13 and knew it was weird. But really--all this meant was that I chatted to this boy everyday and I didn't have any other boyfriends--which wasn't a problem because in middle school, I was "the friend" so no biggie. This abruptly ended the summer before my freshman year in high school. I met a boy on aol. His AOL sn was Tuneduin. His real name was Jason. He went to the same high school I was about to go to and we talked every night for a few weeks--never a "boyfriend" but I liked him a lot. He apparently was a very depressed boy who had not been taking his pills. The whole story is a little convoluted, but long story short... I called him one monday around 4--cause he was supposed to be at summer band practice that day--and his mom picked up the phone and told me that Jason hung himself that day. That was my first experience with death, really. And I blamed myself for a long time. I have my reasons--and I still think they're pretty valid.

- I always wish I was more of a girly girl. There are so many asian girls that can do the "downtown" look so easily. I rarely can do (or pull off) the "downtown" look... and even when I do, I usually forget I'm wearing make up and I end up rubbing it all off.

- On my last.fm, though I never delete tracks I listen to, I do try to sway my chart in certain ways if it looks too embarrassing. Thanks to listening to N Sync's Christmas cd during the holidays, they show up as one of my top listened to bands. I love them--but I'm not 15 anymore. They don't even have new songs. I take comfort in knowing that I have better music tastes than prettier girls.

- I hate the word "drama." I'd rather be in the midst of "drama" than hear people say things like, "Don't start any drama." On the same note, Kyle Umlang sucks.

- Green is obviously my favorite color. I feel like this is so obvious a random fact about myself that it would be almost wrong to leave it off of this list.

- Anne Elizabeth Guthrie, my brother David's girlfriend who passed away over 3 years ago is the closest thing to an angel on earth as I can imagine. I feel like people always say nice things about people after they die, but I think everything that was ever said about Anne was completely true. I often have Anne days--days in which I sit and do nothing but cry on and off. This year on the anniversary of her death, I managed to go until 9 PM before I realized it was her day--and that was because her youngest sister, Grace, wrote on my wall. Part of me was glad that I had forgotten--because I knew it wasn't as if I'd forgotten her--but because it meant I was actually letting go. The other part of me was ashamed because I think the whole idea of "acutally letting go" is bullshit. Everytime at church when the priest says the thing about "for all the unspoken prayers in your heart," I do a silent prayer for Anne's soul. Not because I don't think she's already happily in Heaven--but because I want her to know I still think about her. I went and got her necklace restrung last week. Soon I'll have it back and I'll have it on as my daily reminder of the bravest young lady on earth. On her friendster page, she wrote "Cancer Survivor at the age of 22!" That was, obviously, before she relapsed, but I wish she knew how much more there was to her than that.

- My very first plane ride ever was when I was 8 years old. I was by myself too. My sister, Rachel, flew me out to Atlanta to meet her, and then we flew to Orlando, FL together. This is where the story of the "$25 Salisbury Steak" took place. You see, we went to eat in Cinderella's castle. 8 year old Melissa ordered the salisbury steak. My sister kept asking me if I was sure that's what I wanted and I insisted that it was! I LOVED SALISBURY STEAK! That is, I loved the one that came in the frozen foods section under the Banquet brand (I still do, too). So when an actual steak came out. I think I took one bite and that was it for me. I think Rachel, to this day, still thinks I'm a picky eater.

- When I was younger, my siblings had the coolest friends. Now that I'm older, I just hope that my nieces and nephews think I have the coolest friends. I think I do.

- Although I'm not a Singer anymore, I wish it was acceptable to still sing at parties. "In the Halls" was like a free pass to roast anyone! And everyone can openly enjoy the roasting! I wonder if any Singer was clever enough to incorporate one of Michael Scott's roast quotes into the "Halls" verses at the last party. Probably not. Maybe Jack, if anyone.

- I think I have the best taste. I don't think it's pretentious, but I definitely think it's above par. Does that make it sup-par? Since below is sub-par?

- In one of my English classes, my teacher taught the use of "--"to break up a thought in sentence. I've abused it ever since. You can probably find several above.

- Mr. Golenko, my latin teacher, was phenomenal. He was the closest thing to a college professor I had in high school. He didn't treat us quite like adults (which made sense, cause we were stupid kids), but he didn't treat us like children. He just treated us like idiots--which is the best way to go with high school kids, I think. We're very receptive to that. He, however, did not like it when me and Ryan Cobb would high five each other whenever one of us got the answer right (... which was a lot).

- Johnny Pham (and I am not saying this because I know you're reading this) is one of the funniest people I know. I've said this on numerous occasions. From his first funny comment, "On a lady?", to his rant in Miami, to his obsession with disgusting wall-to-wall PDA, to his second set of 25 random things--he's so funny it makes my stomach hurt. I've decided that he can make or break a trip downtown. If Johnny feels like being Drunk Johnny--it'll be one of the best nights of your life (e.g., his 23rd birthday). If Johnny feels like keeping it chill, so will everyone else--which usually ends up pretty lame. Not saying it's your fault Johnny--but you do hold the power. Quit being so withholding with the fun.

- Since I never had allergies growing up, I didn't realize that I was having issues with allergies when I moved up to Austin. It just developed. I thought I was just sick, but then EVERYONE around me would tell me how they're just having allergy problems. After this happened several other times, I've come to the conclusion that I am not immune to this so-called "Cedar Fever" and have to suffer through it like everyone else.

- I take offense to people thinking I'm wrong. I rarely just make up shit--so when I say things, I'm usually under the assumption that I am correct. In the event that I am incorrect, I'll often admit it when I find it out (e.g., I e-mailed a patient from the office when I realized that I was wrong about a debate we were having). I have no problem with admitting I'm wrong. But when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt (white phrase) that I am correct--nothing drives me more crazy than someone insisting I'm wrong. Thomas Wilder likes to do this.

- There are some words, phrases or activities that are primarily used/done by white people. I refer to these as white things. Thomas Wilder, Kayla Bollom & Mr. Matt are guilty of 95% of these things. Kyle Umlang is 47.5% guilty.

- When I hear a song that's pretty and the lyrics are quite love-related and meaningful, I text the artist and song name to Thomas for him to review. This is for the sole-purpose of finding our song for our first dance at our wedding. The most recent one was Eisley - "Lost at Sea." I'm debating on whether or not Kate Nash's "The Nicest Thing" is worthy of candidacy.

That's enough for tonight. I'm exhausted. I hope you're happy Johnny.

Tagged: Johnny Pham