"I hear in my mind all of this music and it breaks my heart..."

Oh Regina.

No, not of the George variety (though I believe that's Johnny's favorite Regina), but of the Spektor kind.

Today I told someone, "She's saved my life a million times.  I love her."  When I said it, I was merely conveying how important she was to me (in an admittedly dramatic fashion).  It is true, though.  She's played a pivotal role in helping me cope with a lot of things.  I've always known this.  I guess I just never knew to what magnitude.

Prior to going to the concert I looked up a setlist of one of her recent shows.  It had a pretty good mix of songs from the last 2 CDs with a sprinkling of other goodies.  I didn't look into it a whole lot, I just kind of skimmed it.

I decided to listen to the newest CD a little more since I hadn't listened to it a whole lot recently.  I remembered how much I loved the song "How" and it got me a tad bit emotional, and I was preparing myself for the tearful breakdown I was sure to have during the concert.  I made sure to do a good listen-through of the "Far" album as well, because a lot of the other songs were going to come from that and I figured I should brush up on some of those (although it's Regina and listening to her is like riding a bike--yeah, I just made that comparison.  Whatever.)

Regina comes out, grabs the mic, politely waits for the applause to die down (which, mind you, meant she waited for quite some time) and she sang "Ain't No Cover" and it was ASTOUNDING.  A cappella.  Her voice was crystal clear and it was glorious.  Ugh, it makes me sick how good she sounds.

Then she sat down and did "The Calculation" which is one of the happier songs on "Far" and that was, I think, a great way to sit down and start her show.

Then she started banging out the first few chords of "On The Radio" and I felt the immediate need to cry.  And not just cry like, "Oh, this is lovely I think I'll tear up a bit," but cry like, "Oh my god, I'm crying so hard that snot is going to start dripping towards my upper lip and I'll HAVE to wipe it away and then it'll be SUPER obvious that I'm crying and suddenly this just got awkward."

I wanted to fight that feeling and ignore it, because I didn't quite understand it.  Before officially allowing myself to start bawling, I turned to Lisa and I said, "Umm, why is this song making me want to cry?"  And she immediately replied something along the lines of, "Oh my god, I feel THE SAME WAY.  I just suddenly needed to cry."  So there we sat, my sister and I, crying over one of the happier upbeat songs from "Begin to Hope."

She played some other great songs, but even when she got to "How" I didn't really feel like crying all that much.  It was beautiful--but I think it was how the song started that got the mood to run away from me a bit.  Right before the song, an audience member shouted, "MARRYMYBROTHER!"  Regina started the song, but right before singing the word "how" she stopped and giggled and asked, "Did you just tell me to marry your brother?"  And she continued to giggle until she said, "Okay I can't laugh.  This is for serious."

After a few more songs she played "Better" which made me tear up a bit again.  Whyyyyyy?

She ended her set with "The Party" which is such an adorable song.  She also made sure to add a little spiel about going out and exercising your right to vote--also that she loved Obama and that she hopes everyone votes for him, but isn't saying you have to.  As if I didn't already love this woman.

Her Encore, however, had me crying almost the entire time.

1. Us
2. Fidelity (sob sob sob)
3. Hotel Song (calming down but still with tears collecting at the bottom of my chin and dripping onto my shirt)
and of course (and uggggggggh, whyyyyy)
4. Samson

She sang 5 songs from "Begin to Hope" and all 5 made me cry.  It was not lost on me that these were all on the same CD.  It also wasn't lost on me where exactly I was in my life when I was spending all of my time listening to said CD.  It came out Summer of 2006.  This was one of my favorite summers ever, but also one of my hardest years ever.  I kept making side comments to Lisa saying, "This CD.  All of the songs I'm crying to are from the same CD!"  She felt the same way.  When the concert was over and the lights came back on, we both stood up, and Lisa said, "You know why, right?"  And even though I had only kind of thought about it, and hadn't really considered it as my reason, I knew INSTANTLY.  Anne.

My brother David had mentioned Regina Spektor and how much he liked her.  At the time, I was just glad my brother liked anything, and I was thankful to anything that could lift his spirits up at all.  After Anne died, I think I listened to Coldplay's "Fix You" on repeat just waiting to think of something that would help David.  I was in need of something new.  I had seen Regina before, when she opened for Keane, but me being someone who generally enjoys music she already knows, was unsure how I felt about this odd singer with an odd way of... singing.  Odd?  Maybe unique is a better word?

Anyway, "Begin to Hope" is probably the most appropriate name for that album.  It's insanely appropriate.  Regina, after all, gave me back hope.  I sound sooooo cheesy--I realize this.  You have to realize that I was sure my brother's heart was broken, and that in turn broke my little 20 year old heart.  But Regina really did make sense of things for me.  She really did help me.  "Fidelity" for example:

"Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft"

And later,

"All my friends say that of course it's going to get better..."

And when that still didn't quite heal my broken little "Why, God why????" heart, "On The Radio" made it all better (it kissed me where it was sore--if you will--and made me feel better):

"This is how it works:
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

No, this is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again."

You hope it don't get harmed, but even if it does you'll just do it all again.

All I can say is that I'm deliriously tired, but I am so in love with the night I had tonight.  Yes, I cried WAY more than a regular human should have, but I am so happy.  It's been 6 years, and these songs still speak VOLUMES to me.

Regina Spektor saved my life a million times.
I love her.