My Maid of Honor Speech

Vince Young ain't got NOTHING on me!

You guys, I don't know if y'all find me funny on my blog or not, but I will say this: I KILLED at Jenny's wedding. I did everything a Maid of Honor should. I caught the bouquet (see above) and I wrote a badass maid of honor speech. Jenny and I were never really the SUPER sentimental types. I specifically remember a time our senior year when they were interviewing a bunch of us singers on the football field. We were about to sing the National Anthem at our last Home game of the football season. Again, since it was our senior year (and since our football team sucked and there was no way we'd go on to sing at any playoff games...) this was presumably the last time we'd be singing. While the other people waxed nostalgic, Jenny and I replied, "WE'RE READY TO GET OUT OF HERE!" We were done with high school (despite the fact we had a whole semester left)--we were too cool.

So, no tears were shed (even though my coworkers were SURE I'd turn on the waterworks for my speech). I got a ton of laughs and that definitely propelled me on through. Here is the EXACT transcript (well, I may have adlibbed some lines here and there) of what I wrote:

I have to read off of this paper, because I’m notorious for never saying what I want to and always saying things that result in the audience yelling “That’s what she said!” So please pardon my piece of paper.

Jenny and I have been practically attached at the hip since 5th grade. We were inseparable. We went through heartaches, headaches… and some backaches which were usually the result of us falling asleep after a movie marathon on that old couch they used to have.

In all of that time, we fought ONCE. This is kind of a big deal. If any of you are women over the age of 13, you will REMEMBER how hard it is to NOT fight with your girlfriends. Then in the late 90s, three-way calling was introduced to us kids and friendships were a LOT HARDER to come by. But you have to understand, Jenny and I share the same mind. We were constantly thinking and saying the same things (and subsequently had to make THIS FACE--DO FACE-- all the time). We had each other’s best interests at heart. Jenny was my conscience. If I was at a loss for how to go about doing something or if I needed advice for ANYTHING… she was my go-to girl. :) We are not your typical best friend/frenemy kind of girls. We were in it for the long haul; I’m standing here giving this speech. We meant business.

So, some of you may be wondering what this ONE fight was about. The one and only thing we ever fought about was… Boston. Jenny mentioned to me in the summer of 2005 that she was CONSIDERING going to school in Boston. This came out of left field, and I thought she had lost her mind. I was truly worried that she was just going to get away… live this amazing life on the east coast, get really used to cold weather and turn into one of those people who come to Texas and complain about the heat… and I know some of you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about because I’m sure you’ve been utilizing your mini-fans. I had all these theories as to why she was moving up there, and she had all these theories as to why I was so opposed to it, and… well, I guess we know who lost that fight.

In true Jenny fashion, she made up her mind, stuck to her guns, and she got into one of the BEST music conservatories in the nation (I googled Top Music Conservatories in the US, and NEC was on there, so that’s a fact), and she ended up being roommates with a bunch of girls and some guy named Tim.

And thank God she did, because she set her eyes on the prize and decided to claim this fine, young bachelor for herself. (I tried googling Top young bachelors in the US, but results were inconclusive, so just take my word for it). Again, in true Jenny fashion, she made up her mind, stuck to her guns, and here we are at her wedding, where she’s surrounded by a bunch of girls and some guy named Tim.

Tim, I’m going to read a chorus from an epically AMAZING song that Jenny and I sang together in our last show at Dobie at the behest of our choir director Mr. Bready. When we sang these words, as cheesy as they seemed, I know we both totally meant them,

“I will never leave you. I will never go away. We were meant to share each moment. Beside you is where I will stay. Evermore and always, we’ll be one, though we’re two. For I will never leave you.”

These lyrics are from the musical Sideshow in which the two leading ladies were literally attached at the hip—they were Siamese twins. I guess it’s time for us to end our own sideshow, Jenny. I am officially detaching myself and handing you over to your new husband, who, thankfully, is one of the most wonderful men I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. From here on out, evermore and always, you’ll be one though you’re two. I wish you both all the happiness in the world. To Tim & Jenny's Marriage: May it be VERY PLEASANT and VERY LONG!

Of course, at the very end of my speech, I stared at my bridesmaid table as I said it, and all of them yelled, "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!" And the DJ actually requested the entire room say it on the count of three. :) The best men then had to follow with their speech and kept mentioning how they had regretted their decision to "wing it." It actually was a really great speech and I think the besties made the bride & groom very happy. :)